vulnerability lessons with cs lewis.

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,

not even an animal.

wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements.

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.

it will not be broken;

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

to love is to be vulnerable. 

-cs lewis

vulnerability is probably my least favorite word in the english language. i love it when other people are vulnerable in life, in art. but me being vulnerable is a no. the thought of exposing my feelings and allowing the opportunity for someone else to hurt me builds my walls up higher and faster than you can count to 10. 

i can talk ad nauseum about my love of songs or love of traveling or love of jon foreman but start asking those personal questions about love and life and i become a master at changing the subject or flipping it around to your story. because talking about you is way easier (and safer) than talking about me. i have an arsenal of questions in my back pocket ready for awkward situations and any time someone tries to dig too deep.

i've always been fiercely independent, out to prove that i could make it on my own, that i didn't need the help of anyone. i had (and still have) passions and dreams that didn't revolve around being married and/or having kids. i still 100% want to live on a tour bus full time. i still want to travel to parts of the world i'm currently just dreaming about. i still want to learn how to longboard and surf and take incredible photographs and speak a foreign language. i still want to do something that makes an impact for the Kingdom.

but there's a steadily growing part in my heart that wants to find a fella who loves me for me...and i love him because he's a handsome rock star (and that's my brain saying "you're being too open, make a joke to make it seem less personal and true!"). with four nephews being added to my family in the past year (reminder: i only have 2 siblings...yeah, that's some special math) i can't help but think of babies and how'd i'd be a kick-butt mom. people can make all the jokes they want about 30 year old girls only thinking about babies but i'm pretty sure we're designed that way.

and while i say all of these things all the time ("i just want to marry a rock star, adopt babies, and live on the road.") it is slightly terrifying to me that it hasn't happened and it might not look how i want it to look and to get to that point i have to be willing to be allowed to be hurt. ugh.

so this is my small step towards being vulnerable. i can't make the leap to be honest about my feelings about that one guy or be okay with crying in front of other people and internet vulnerability barely counts (hiding behind a keyboard is literally one of the most cliched things of our generation) but this is the most exposed i can allow my heart to be without wanting to dive into my bed and stay there for days. you understand, right?

xo

using celebrity and creativity for awareness.

i had never heard of apert syndrome before lights posted a picture of her niece, fern, on instagram a year and a half ago. it's a chromosomal anomaly where bones grow at different rates and cause different physical abnormalities like fused fingers and toes and a distorted skull shape. she posted this picture holding her, saying she knows life will be harder for her because of her syndrome. 

she also went on to say that it was a wake up call for all the times she had judged someone because of the way they look. she encouraged her followers to "check yourself" the next time you find yourself judging someone based on their appearance. 

a few weeks later she posted a picture on facebook (yeah, i'm a huge creep and follow her on multiple social media sites, she's great, shut up) holding baby fern right after the little girl had finger reconstruction surgery. lights said she would never take her hands for granted again. 

then just today lights posted a link to a free download to a book she created for her niece saying: 

over the holidays i made my little toddler niece, fern, who was born with rare apert syndrome, a book about a little girl with apert. i wanted her to have some reading material that featured a person with four digit hands, surgery scars, a hearing aid and ortho boots (to name a few of the things she will be raised dealing with) because there are pretty much no books she can relate to on that level. if any little one you know has apert syndrome, pass it on to their fam. download link below to a digital copy (i had one printed through iPhoto and it looks real cute).  -lights

so how is that for her just being a fantastic human being? i'm sure she recognizes that families who have kids with apert are probably stretched financially and may not be able to afford the book so she's just giving it away so those kids don't feel so lonely in a world that can be quite cruel. if you know someone with apert or just want to download the book yourself you can find it here. 

i am going to venture a guess that lights will learn just as much or more from little fern than fern will learn from her aunt lights. 

xo

not even apologizing this time.

go read and watch this.

then feel free to thank me for bringing that goodness into your life.

xo

#dirty30

i just got back from a trip that was three years in the making. it was a warm spring day and my friend pete was visiting from indiana so the two of us and my friend terra grabbed some sandwiches and headed down to picnic down by the mighty mississippi. it was at some point during that lunch we decided that once we were all 30 (i was the last of the three of us, woot woot) we were going to go on a cruise together. we were 27 and three years seemed like such a long time.

those three years seemingly passed in the blink of an eye and as we were coming up on our cruise a little bit of life got in the way and we had to switch from a cruise to some quality time in southern california. it was hard to be sad about it since i'm pretty much in love with san diego.

there is nothing like celebrating a new decade and years of friendship than hangs on the beach, hiking in the desert, consuming coffee like it won't exist tomorrow, and mingling with other travelers doing the hostel life. my 2016 has been a pretty rough year so far (and we're only a month in, help me Lord) so escaping real life for a couple days was exactly what i needed.

i brought my camera but only snagged a few pictures because i'm terrible at remembering to be a photographer...i just get caught up in the moment and forget to take pictures. both myself and my friend, terra, did #dirty30 all of our trip pics on instagram so you can find a more complete picture synopsis there...lame, i know.

 yoga on the beach

 more yoga

only one of us actually does yoga...

spoiler alert: it's not me

 pete is hesitant about being 30

 terra is living into being 30

 i'm only going along with 30 b/c i have to

 just a fan of this shot is all 

 when in cali...

 because all their sunsets look this gorgeous 

 this isn't posed at all 

 desert views

 pete is a good mediator

 terra taking no bull from that horned sheep

 mountains and sunshine

kisses from a raptor

those are pictures from 2 days of a 6 day trip...so yeah, my photography skillz are horribly lacking. seriously, go to instagram and see more pictures of coffee and donuts and seals and hiking the hollywood hill and everything else i missed. 

in spite of not remembering to take a lot of pictures it was the trip of a lifetime and i'm stoked i got to spend it with some of the best. i would be one lucky girl if the rest of 30 was this fantastic.

xo

ellie goulding and my best friends.

ellie goulding is my spirit celebrity. i just really feel like her and i would should be friends in real life. so, ellie, if you happen to be reading this (which i am sure you are not), please take me on tour with you and can we please be friends?

anyway, the whole point of this post is that ellie just released a video for her song, army. she wrote the song about her best friend and the video is all footage of the two of them being friends.

when i watched i kept thinking of my best friends. the ones who have seen me at my best and my worst. the ones who take pictures of me when i just wake up to show me later and remind me how gross i look right away in the morning. the ones who know my secrets and i know theirs. the ones whose parents ask about me because, even though we're adults, we've all met each other's families. the ones who have cried with me over the sad stuff of life and laughed so hard with me we cried happy tears. the ones who aren't afraid to tell me i'm being a d-bag, or irrational, or annoying. the ones who push me to be a better person.

to my best friends: 
i couldn't make it in this world without you, 
you're my favorites, 
let's be friends forever. 
LOVE YOU. 

xo

what the shirt?

most bands have terrible merch.

it's because most people want terrible merch, they want the bright red crew neck tee with the band's name across the chest and a list of tour dates down the back. this may seem like a joke but everyone i know that has done merch for a band (or is in a band) will tell you, they always run out of the ugliest shirt first. 

i can't tell you why this is. maybe people think if you can clearly read the artist's name when they're wearing it other people will think they're cool? i have no clue. now there are certain marketing purposes in a band putting their name on a shirt but i am always drawn to the shirts where the artist's name is not exactly front and center. it wouldn't bother me at all if the band's name wasn't even on there. and i always prefer my merch to be at least a smidgen rock n' roll. 

i literally spent the last half hour perusing the merch stores of all of the artists i listen to on the regular. these are bands that i LOVE. bands that i've shelled out hundreds of dollars for tickets for. bands that i've skipped out of work to go see. bands that have made me tear up in the middle of the pit because their music just gets me. 

i found four shirts that i would maybe pay money for. maybe. out of all these bands that make my heart swell with happiness there were four items of merchandise that i would consider buying if i had an extra $30 lying around. 

this shirt. i would 100% wear this shirt. 

a chevron print on a crew neck sweatshirt = <3 div="">

you can't go wrong with a 'classic' black tee (ha!)

muscle tanks are my jam these days.

muscle tanks cut for girls are even better.

feel free to disagree. maybe it's just because i love my clothes to fall on the greyscale but if i'm shelling out my bucks it's gotta be something i want to wear. if you're in a band, make your merch look something like this (or better, i'm not opposed to better). and if you're reading this and not in a band, my birthday is tomorrow so if you want to buy me one of these, i will accept belated birthday gifts ;) 

xo

welcome, 2016.

first post of the new year!
i feel like this should be something really profound. something really motivational. something really inspiring.
i'm going to be honest with you, i'm feeling none of those things in this exact moment. instead of trying to come up with something that is half-cracked i figure i might as well piggy-back off a quote i find to be all of those things:

remembering you are going to die is the best way i know how to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. you are already naked. there is no reason to not follow your heart. 

-steve jobs

so i start the year with some questions, for you and for me: 

what are you going to learn? 

who are you going to give your heart to? 

how are you going to respond to all of life's circumstances?  

when are you going to do that thing that you've been too scared to do? 

why not do it now? (you're already naked after all)

welcome, 2016. let's do this. 

xo