vulnerability lessons with cs lewis.

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,

not even an animal.

wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements.

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.

it will not be broken;

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

to love is to be vulnerable. 

-cs lewis

vulnerability is probably my least favorite word in the english language. i love it when other people are vulnerable in life, in art. but me being vulnerable is a no. the thought of exposing my feelings and allowing the opportunity for someone else to hurt me builds my walls up higher and faster than you can count to 10. 

i can talk ad nauseum about my love of songs or love of traveling or love of jon foreman but start asking those personal questions about love and life and i become a master at changing the subject or flipping it around to your story. because talking about you is way easier (and safer) than talking about me. i have an arsenal of questions in my back pocket ready for awkward situations and any time someone tries to dig too deep.

i've always been fiercely independent, out to prove that i could make it on my own, that i didn't need the help of anyone. i had (and still have) passions and dreams that didn't revolve around being married and/or having kids. i still 100% want to live on a tour bus full time. i still want to travel to parts of the world i'm currently just dreaming about. i still want to learn how to longboard and surf and take incredible photographs and speak a foreign language. i still want to do something that makes an impact for the Kingdom.

but there's a steadily growing part in my heart that wants to find a fella who loves me for me...and i love him because he's a handsome rock star (and that's my brain saying "you're being too open, make a joke to make it seem less personal and true!"). with four nephews being added to my family in the past year (reminder: i only have 2 siblings...yeah, that's some special math) i can't help but think of babies and how'd i'd be a kick-butt mom. people can make all the jokes they want about 30 year old girls only thinking about babies but i'm pretty sure we're designed that way.

and while i say all of these things all the time ("i just want to marry a rock star, adopt babies, and live on the road.") it is slightly terrifying to me that it hasn't happened and it might not look how i want it to look and to get to that point i have to be willing to be allowed to be hurt. ugh.

so this is my small step towards being vulnerable. i can't make the leap to be honest about my feelings about that one guy or be okay with crying in front of other people and internet vulnerability barely counts (hiding behind a keyboard is literally one of the most cliched things of our generation) but this is the most exposed i can allow my heart to be without wanting to dive into my bed and stay there for days. you understand, right?

xo