confidence killer.

one of my least favorite things in the world is to hear/see myself.
not because i don't think i'm great (honestly, i think i'm pretty alright, i would be my friend if i weren't me) but because i always look and sound different than i think i do. the saying of being your own harshest critic is true. it's weird, you perceive yourself one way and then you hear your voice on your voicemail because you had to call your phone from a friend's phone because you lost yours and all you can think is "DO I REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT?"
yes. yes you do. 
or you see yourself on a vine video that you didn't know your friend was taking and the only thought passing through your head the moment you see it is "DOES MY HAIR ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THAT?"
yes. yes it does.
i say all of this because i'm currently in the middle of working on an aircheck tape (radio jargon for a file containing segments from when you're on air, like an audible resume) and it's TORTURE.
to make the tape consists of me sitting and listening to past shows that i've recorded trying to find the parts where i sound the best/most witty/like a real dj. best ones make the cut. 
it's one giant ego check listening to yourself not be funny or eloquent. i wince over every talk-tick, every too-loud laugh, and every segment that clearly flopped. it is physically painful to hear myself screw up someone's name or the name of a song. i HATE it when i can hear myself breathing (it's one of the main reasons why i don't run)!
there will be one shining moment of "hey, that sounded pretty decent!" and those gems you hold onto so you can suffer through the cough into the mic and the part where you are pretty sure you were unintentionally doing an impression of the teacher in the charlie brown cartoons.
so why put myself through such a confidence killer? because it makes me better. because radio is really about getting music to people and becoming a better dj will enhance that experience.
as terrible as sitting and listening to myself for hours is at least i don't have to watch myself as well.

xo